Tag Archives: Relationships

Defusing Anger in Relationships

Anger happens when, in some perceived way, we get a sense of a violation. A boundary that is crossed or a misalignment between someone else values compared to our own.

Sometimes these violations may be known to us – we may be aware of what angered us. At other times, the cause of the angry response may be outside of our conscious awareness. This is usually because the value that has been violated is a much deeper value. We tend to be aware of our surface values (such as trust for example) which makes it easy to spot why, when someone behaves in an untrustworthy way, we would take issue with it.

However, other values (for example significance) may be less conscious or may be values that we do not necessarily want to admit to having at such a high priority that should they be violated we would react with anger.

Some time ago, I was working with a woman who had come to see me at the NLP and Hypnotherapy Clinic in Hertfordshire. She had initially enquired about sessions of hypnotherapy, but as is often the case, we were able to resolve many of the challenges with anger in her relationship by way of NLP and CBT techniques instead.

The woman was frequently angry with her husband. They had at the start of their relationship been very loving towards each other but over the years she had come to resent him in some way and would fly off the handle very easily.

The husband would tolerate the snappy comments but every now and again, if she had been particularly provocative he would bite back and then a huge argument would begin.

Initially, I asked the woman about how her relationship was before the anger had crept in. Back then, she described her husband as a man who was always on the go. He seemed particularly energetic and had aspirations to start his own business. She felt that he was keen to impress her and that was where a great deal of his every had come from.

However, his plans to start his own business had gone out of the window, when they became pregnant with their first child. It seemed more sensible that he would take a promotion in his work instead.

Very soon their lives had transformed from an uncertain but adventurous future of starting their own business and carving out their lives together, to him going to work each day whilst she stayed at home looking after their child.

She became more dynamic as she ran the home and raised the child. He became exhausted by doing a job he did not enjoy. She began picking up the slack and doing more to make up for his lack of lust for life.

As this happened, unconsciously she began to think that his feeling toward her had changed. He no longer felt free and excited about the future and it appeared that the energised behaviour that he had previously had (which she had taken to mean he wanted to impress her) was gone. When she became more active and enthusiastic in her life he began to feel redundant in the dynamics of their relationship – as if he were no longer needed.

His response was to withdraw and hers was to attempt to jolt him into action with shocks of spikiness. Neither technique worked and this is why they both ended up getting so angry with each other.

Finding new and effective ways to respond to each other, change the balance in the relationship, show respect and appreciation and re-motivate each other was just one of the strategies we explore at the hypnotherapy Clinic. Finding out what you value most in your relationship and how those values may be getting violated is often the best way to diagnose the cause of anger in relationships and an NLP Practitioner would be able to help you to do this.


By Gemma Bailey

Grief and Loss

When I was eighteen years old my first car, an orange Mini, oh yes it was, was hit by a petrol tanker with me in it. The car took all the impact of the crash and it was killed instantly whilst I was largely okay. I was in shock for a good week afterwards, not least because it was a terrible accident in which if a few minor factors had worked out differently, I would have been much more seriously injured.

However, there was a great sense of grief. My first car had represented many things to me. It was the source of my freedom, a symbol of my adulthood, a representation that I was part of a club that not all of my friends had been able to pass the test to get into. I’d use my hard-earned cash to care for it, saved up for it, even though it was largely worthless in monitory terms. It was also something I had taken great pride in. I kept it clean and fixed it when it wouldn’t start. The days following its death my grief also came from the fact that I had taken good care of this piece of machinery and it, in its final moments had taken the full force of the accident and protected me.

Yes, I know it was just a car. Everyone said this but I still felt this pain within as if someone had dropped a brick on my stomach. I randomly got upset, keep thinking of the good times. In getting upset about those too I was withdrawn, stressed and I didn’t sleep well for a good while. During the days afterwards, I had arrangements and preparation as if it were a funeral.

I had to contact the insurance, the company of the petrol tanker, the D.V.L.A. and go to the hospital and get a physical assessment done. I largely think of myself as a fairly practical, strong-willed person so I know what you’re thinking: it was just a car. My point is though that some people can experience grief for a variety of different circumstances. There will be common themes to all grief but everyone will react in their own personal way. Everyone will find comfort in different ways too.

Here are some of the things that worked for me – sort stuff. It helped me to get through the technical parts of the process as fast as possible so the sorting of bits of paper, clearing out of belongings and putting those in a new home helped.

Gather the memories that are important to keep. This doesn’t necessarily mean only positive memories. For example, my old Mini had the petrol cap stolen and it was a real pain as I was scared to drive without the petrol cap but had to drive to get a new one. Some years later my mum had all the trees from her house cut down and in amongst the branches, she found my old petrol cap. I’ve kept it because whenever I have a hair brain idea about one day getting a classic car it reminds me that my old car, despite how much I loved it, was insecure and often vandalised.

Remembering, and not just remembering the good stuff, can be important if you are grieving a relationship break-up. It can remind you that it wasn’t wonderful all of the time. It means you will only have to grieve the relationship and not the person you split up with too.

Remember that the pain goes. Although there will be good days and bad days, generally over time the pain goes and you start to feel, become and act more normal again. You will take as much time is right for you and even though in the future you may look back and still feel the sadness you will get better.

The Hypnotherapy and NLP Clinic provides Hypnotherapists and NLP coaches in Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire, Buckinghamshire, Essex and Coventry to help with the management of stress, anxiety and depression.

For more information about our free consultations and sessions, contact us on 0203 6677294

By Gemma Bailey

Overcoming a relationship break up

Have a think about the experiences that you’ve had with that person. You’re probably doing a lot of this already, but remember that every time you replay an experience that you had with someone you delete, distort and generalise on the experience that you had which could mean that if you’re replaying all the good times that will no longer have together and that you’re deleting what maybe wasn’t quite so good about those times, distorting what was good about them to make them seem even better than they really are perhaps even generalizing that this was the best relationship you’ve ever had. When you think about stuff too much it really becomes quite different to the truth of what the situation was.

There are certain people that I can recall and when I think about them, I make it seem as if it was a really great relationship and that we had a really great time. Actually, if I look at the bigger picture I can see that the reasons why things ended were good reasons because there were definitely issues there at the same time. Remember that being dumped, being left or having to end a relationship does lead to some negative feelings but those temporary feelings are better than being treated very badly in the future. At the very least you wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t really want to be with you because you like yourself more than that, don’t you?

Get busy. Have fun with life, have more fun do more fun stuff. Remember that we only ever really learn through experience and later on there will come a time when you look back and go ‘ah that’s why I needed to have that happen.’

It might not make sense right now but just know it’s okay to feel bad when a relationship ends for a period of time and that over time you will automatically and quite naturally start to feel better. They’ll be in your thoughts less and you’ll start to pick yourself up and move on. And the when you do you’ll look back on the experience and it will all make perfect sense as to why things had to end the way that they did.

Ask yourself this question: How much more pain would you have had to have had before you knew it was time to move on?

I don’t think you would really want to have to do that to yourself, would you? So, be pleased that you have much more control over yourself than being run like a big bag of chemicals. Know that those chemicals do play a vital and important role in your life in determining how you feel in any given situation.

But then once you’ve recognised those chemical feelings exist it is wholly and completely possible for you to take greater responsibility and greater control over the way that you are feeling. You don’t have to be run by your emotions and that you can choose to be feeling exactly how you want to feel in any given moment.

You don’t have to depend on other people to be feeling a certain way. All of those feelings exist within you. They are your feelings and that you can have them whenever you choose to do so.

A good hypnotherapist will have the skills to help you overcome the pain of a relationship breakup and hypnotherapy can be incredibly helpful in this area. Contact the Hypnotherapy and NLP clinic to arrange a free consultation.


By Gemma Bailey